Finding My Voice
Disclaimer: It turns out that I DON’T own CSI… who knew?
Summary: By popular demand... this is a companion piece to Stutters, this time from Grissom’s POV.
I wonder by
my troth, what thou, and I
If someone was to ask me exactly what it was that finally pushed me to actually do something about ‘this’, I don’t think I’d have an answer. All I know is that one day I woke up and realised that, even though I’d been walking around, I’d been asleep for years. That while an operation had corrected my hearing, I’d been blind. And most importantly, that the distance this had established between me and Sara was far too great; that something essential was missing from my life. Once I got my head around that bombshell, I knew I had to do something about it. In my preoccupation with avoiding the risk of pain, I hadn’t even noticed that my actions were causing me pain. And not only me, they were hurting Sara too. That was all going to change. I never thought I’d find myself actively pursuing Sara, but that’s what happened. I was desperate to make up for my mistakes, and could only hope that I wasn’t too late.
Finding out that I wasn’t; that Sara was willing to give me one more chance? That was probably one of the best discoveries I’ve ever made…
Love is full
of anxious fears.
In the weeks preceding our first date, I had allowed myself to entertain dreams of what it would be like. The actual date didn’t exactly go like that. I spent the whole drive over to her place coming up with the perfect greeting, which I promptly forgot the moment she opened her front door. She looked incredible, and suddenly it all came home to me – we were actually doing this. Finally. And I didn’t want to screw it up. Fear and nerves stole the words from my tongue, and the drive to the restaurant was uncomfortably quiet. I could sense her nervous glances, and found myself returning them. Neither of us seemed able to begin conversation, despite the many long friendly breakfasts we had shared recently. I eventually managed to mumble an expression of her beauty after we were seated - something I know should really have been said when she first appeared at her door. I could tell that she was just as nervous as I was; she was babbling and over-talking, a perfect complement to my stuttering silence. It’s safe to say this date could have been going a lot better.
We had barely finished our starters when, just like the majority of the few dates I had been on in the past few years, we were interrupted by my pager. I started to apologise to Sara and then her own beeper went off. I was actually strangely relieved. Processing a scene together was something we were comfortable with; something that would break us out of this nervous mess we had found ourselves in.
A kiss is a
lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
Since Sara’s dress wasn’t exactly the ideal apparel for crime scene processing, it was quickly decided that I would drop her home to change and she’d meet me at the scene.
I tried to apologise for the interruption again when we reached her apartment, but she cut me off and surprised me with a brief but warm kiss. While I sat and stared at her in pleased shock, she said something about being a workaholic and turned to climb out of the car. Finding my voice, I beckoned her back to me for a slightly longer kiss, one that made the whole evening worth it.
your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find
no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart.
We still occasionally find ourselves in one of those nervous moments, where I tend towards stutters and silence, while she overtalks. They tend to signify the most memorable moments in our relationship, like our first night together…
A couple of weeks after our first date, I had surprised her at her place with dinner, since we both had the night off. After enjoying a relaxed meal, things had started to get a little, well, heated shall we say, on her couch. It was still quite early in the relationship, so I pulled back and suggested that I leave before we reached a point of no return – I didn’t want to rush her into anything she might regret. Apparently rushed wasn’t what Sara was feeling that night, because my proposal prompted a rush of nervous babbles – I didn’t have to leave… in fact she’d rather like it if I didn’t leave… but there was no pressure… I could leave if I wanted to… If I hadn’t kissed her and proceeded to make my stance on the issue very clear, it was entirely possible that she would have carried on for hours. Those moments are always a little awkward, but they are always worth it.
Which brings me to now.
I know what I want to say, but this is a huge moment, so it’s difficult for me to actually get the words out. I know I'm stuttering, and I know she's noticed, and I have to wonder if she's guessed the reason....
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