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Introspection
by ET                               

Rating: General
Spoilers: Up to and including 'Living Doll'
Disclaimer: I wish I owned. I don't.
Authorís Note:
This is my entry to the Summer Reading Ficathon over at Geekfiction
Summer Reading Ficathon Prompt: Edgar Allan Poe

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ďThat pleasure which is at once the most pure, the most elevating and the most intense, is derived, I maintain, from the contemplation of the beautiful.Ē Ė Edgar Allan Poe

It wasnít a quote I had ever understood. Not before Sara. And even after I met her, I spent so much time and effort trying not to contemplate her beauty that I never got to experience the pleasure that was supposedly associated with such thoughts.

Eventually I reached a point where it was impossible to reign in my thoughts and fantasies Ė they inevitably found their way to Sara, whether I wanted them to or not.

Iím not sure who was actually the more surprised when I finally asked her out, her, or me. And while the time since hasnít always been easy, I finally understand what Poe was talking about.

Being with Sara, sharing my life with her, has brought me pleasure like nothing Iíd ever known before. Just thinking of her smile, her loving embrace, can lighten my heart.

So now, now that I am faced with the prospect that I may never experience either again, those thoughts which have brought me so much pleasure over the last months are now the source of immeasurable pain. Knowing that my time with Sara may be drawing to a close only heightens my regrets over all the months and years that I wasted in pointless resistance. The one source of true pleasure in my life may be gone and itís all my fault.

Poe has another quote, and Iím not so sure I even agree with this one.

ďThe death of a beautiful woman, is unquestionably the most poetical topic in the world.Ē

Right now the possibility doesnít seem so much poetical as painful. Agonising. Excruciating even. But Iím not seeing the poetry. Maybe I donít want to, because acknowledging it means she may really not be coming back, and thatís something I just canít accept right now.

She has to come back to me. Living with Sara has finally taught me to live, and Iím not ready to die just yet.

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"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?" Ė Edgar Allan Poe

Death is something I see every day. Itís something that has played far too large a part of my life ever since childhood. And yet, Iíve never really considered it in terms of actually experiencing it myself. Sure, Iíve been in a few sticky situations over the years, Iíve had a few brief moments where I wondered if Iíd make it out of there, but Iíve never really taken the time to consider it. Funny where being trapped under a ton of shifting metal in the middle of the desert will take your thoughts.

I know one thing for sure, Iím not ready to die. Not just yet. Not when Iíve only really just begun to live.

So I wait, and I hope, and I pray to a God that Iím not at all convinced even exists. I figure it canít hurt. I try my best to stay conscious, and I entertain elaborate fantasies where this is all just some terrible nightmare and in a moment Iíll wake up and Gil will be right there to comfort me. Itís the only way I can stay sane, although maybe Iím losing my grip on sanity anyway. Thereís a quote, I think itís Poe, that sums it up pretty nicely.

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

Gilís rubbing off on me it seems. Facing death and all I can do is come up with quotes. He seems to have one for every situation, every mood. I wonder what heís quoting right now, and I wish I could be there to hear him. I wish I could be anywhere but here, alone. I wishÖ


THE END


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